Always
by BuffyAngellover
Summary: Buffy is back from the dead but Angel doesn't believe it. (sorry, really bad summary. Just read, it's good.) Complete


Always  
  
Rating: PG-13 Summary: Buffy has died and Angel is having a hard time dealing Disclaimer: No, they don't belong to me. Believe me I wish Angel did but unfortunately, he belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Authors Note: Okay, this is like my second fanfic so don't blame me if it sucks. This is what I think should have happened when Buffy died. I think Angel would have been more broken up about it. Also there is no Gunn in this because I don't know how to write for him and the Darla thing has never happened because I haven't seen those episodes yet. There for Conner isn't here. Feedback: Yes please! Send to SunGal3000@aol.com  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I still remember that night. Sitting by her mother's grave, her small hand wrapped in mine. She seemed so lost, so distant, and all I could think of that moment was how she was so young, but had the weight of the world in her hands. Her life changed because of one death. So much pain, so much anger. I wished I could have taken it all away. That's probably why I let her kiss me. Now that I really think about it, I needed it as much as her.  
  
Now she's gone. The light in my world was ripped away. If I had known that that night at the grave was our last, I would have stayed. I should have taken forever when she offered it. I would give anything to feel those soft lips on mine again. To feel her warmth heating my skin.  
  
I should have never left her all those years ago. Maybe then, she would still be alive. Maybe then she would be sitting here with me complaining about school or her friends. Asking me why something has happened. But maybe will never happen. My girl is dead, and she's never coming back.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Six months later  
  
"Dawn hurry up before your late for school," Buffy yelled. "Again" she whispered as an after thought. It had been hard, these past three months. Who would have thought that coming back from the dead would have been so- so- she couldn't even think of the words to describe it.  
  
Her friends had meant well, they thought she was in Hell for goodness sake! If only they knew. That's probably what made it so complicated. She constantly had to keep up this false bravado. To act like she was thankful for being brought back. If only they knew how many times she cried herself to sleep at night or how she had to bite her lip from just screaming at times.  
  
All her friends though expected her to jump right back into the game immediately. Not even a month after she came back they were expecting her to resume the schedule of every day life. To cook, clean, pay the bills. Talk, laugh, dance, be happy, and slay. So she did. It was all an act though. Every laugh, every smile, they were all forced. Slaying was the only thing she could do with somewhat normalcy. Even then, she was just going through the motions. Nothing touched her anymore; she couldn't feel anything besides hate and grief. They had ripped her out of somewhere so peaceful and now. now nothing would be the same.  
  
"Buffy," Dawn called bounding down the stairs" Can I spend the night at Jamie's tonight?" Buffy's brow furrowed. Ever since her mom died and the whole thing with Glory happened she had been over protective of Dawn. She just couldn't help thinking that something would happen to her. She almost lost her once; she didn't want it to happen again. "Don't worry, her mother will be home and they have a dog. A big one. No baddies getting past that one."  
  
Buffy sighed rubbing the bridge of her nose for the headache that was sure to come. "Leave her number on the fridge."  
  
"Thank you!" Dawn squealed  
  
"Now go before you're late." With a quick kiss she was out the door. Buffy put her head in her hands. "And yet another day has begun."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Willow Rosenburg sat at the edge of her bed cross-legged. The young witch sat there looking in her spell books. There just had to be something in here to help her best friend. 'There just has to be!' was all she could think of.  
  
They had brought Buffy back nearly three months ago. She seemed better then when she first got back but she was still detached. She hardly ever smiled and she preferred slaying then hanging out at the Bronze with her friends. No one could really blame her though, I mean she had been in Hell! She was there for three months earth time, which meant she was in hell for a hundred years at the least!  
  
Willow couldn't stand it anymore. Buffy needed to be back to normal. She hated to see her friend like this. That was why she was going through her spell books. There just had to be a spell in there to make her happy or maybe to make her forget her time in Hell. Yes, that was it, a simple forgetting spell. That shouldn't be hard at all.  
  
Ring, Ring  
  
"Hello"  
  
"Willow? Oh thank God its you! Listen I know we agreed not to do this. but things. they just. he."  
  
"Cordelia?"  
  
"Yes, yes it's me! Willow you and Buffy have to get down here!"  
  
"Cordelia what's going on?"  
  
"Oh Willow, we don't know what to do anymore, he's just so lost." Cordelia sobbed.  
  
"Cordelia calm down please. Now what's going on?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy walked into Willows room the moment she hung up the phone. Willow was staring at her phone looking like she was about to burst out into sobs.  
  
"Willow? What's wrong?" Buffy took a couple steps forward "Willow?"  
  
Willow finally looked at her friend's face. How was she going to do this? Angel and her were a thing of the past but the didn't mean she didn't still have feeling for the vampire. They were deeply in love for three years; they would do anything for eachother. A love like that just doesn't fade over time.  
  
"Buffy, I think you should sit down for this." Buffy slowly moved over to Willows bed. Something was definitely wrong.  
  
"Will, what happened?"  
  
Willow took a couple of deep breaths. "That was Cordelia on the phone just now. We need to go to LA." She said slowly  
  
Angel. That was the first thing Buffy thought of. Something had to be wrong with Angel. Buffy's eyes immediately grew wide and looked at her friend with panic evident in her eyes.  
  
"When you. you know," Willow said with slight awkwardness "I went to tell Angel what happened. He- he didn't take it very well. He refused to speak to anyone for days. Wh-wh-" Willow paused to once again take a couple more breaths. "When he finally started talking again, the first thing he did was fire Wesley and Cordelia, kicked them out and told them never to come back again. A- a um, couple months ago, Cordelia went back to the office to tell him that you were back. When she found him, he- well he."  
  
"He what?" Buffy spoke for the first time  
  
"He was with a girl. Not just in a 'Hi how are you' way either."  
  
"O god his soul!"  
  
"NO! He didn't lose his soul. That's what's so confusing. His soul was still intact. Wesley and Cordelia finally talked him into letting them work for him again. They wanted to keep a close eye on him. They started noticing that he was disappearing a lot. Wesley then follow him. he." Willow sighed, this was going to be the hardest part to tell Buffy, but she needed to know. "Every night since you died he goes out and slays, then goes to a club, picks up a girl and takes them home. During the day he trains, or goes to a bar if he's not working on a case. He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep, he rarely talks and. Buffy, he's just so lost."  
  
Buffy was stunned. Was Willow talking about the Angel she knew? The man she fell in love with? The man she gave her heart and soul too? She just couldn't be. Thinking of Angel so broken like that just tore her to pieces.  
  
"Cordelia and Wesley have tried everything to make him stop. No matter what they do though, he still. Buffy, they need you. He needs you."  
  
Buffy looked into Willows eyes "If me dying made him this way, then when he was told."  
  
"He didn't believe it."  
  
"What."  
  
"He thinks that they are lying to him. He refuses to say your name and gets mad if anyone else does."  
  
"Well, what good is it going to do for me to go there and see him. He'll probably just think that I'm some kind of ghost. What makes you think that he'll believe that I'm alive?" She argued weakly  
  
"I don't know if it'll help Buffy, but you have to try. If you don't. he's losing his grip on this world. I guess you were the only thing that kept him caring for so long."  
  
Buffy slowly looked around the room. She didn't need this, she couldn't do this, and she wasn't going to. "Does the car have enough gas?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The drive to LA was long and nerve wracking. Willow tried to make conversation but soon stopped when all she got was one-syllable answers. Buffy was lost in her thoughts and was defiantly not coming out any time soon.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
All Buffy could think of was that night. The funeral had ended early, way before dusk, but she stood, staring at the grave, waiting. She didn't even know if he knew what had happened. She just knew he would come. He always came.  
  
She felt him as soon as the sun set. She didn't bother to look up though. Soon his hand slipped inside of hers. They sat by the grave all night, crying, talking. Or more like, she cried while he held her, and she talked while he listened. But this wasn't unusual. It was always like this. It would always be her complaining or retelling a story that happened, and he would just sit and listen. So when it happened this time, she didn't think anything of it.  
  
What a fool she had been. She should have asked him what was going on in LA, or how he was. But no, she sat and talked, and talked, never thinking of how he was feeling. Then she kissed him. How selfish that was. She should have known that that would hurt him more then anything. Sure, she would also have to live with the heartache of that was as far as they could go. But the next day, she could go out, she could kiss other people; she could even get laid if she wanted too! No worries would come out of that. But him, he couldn't do any of that without the worry of losing his soul. Or so she thought.  
  
He was actually sleeping with others! He was going out every night for the past six months and sleeping around. He was knowingly endangering his soul. That was not like Angel. Maybe Angelus, but not Angel. Her Angel. 'NO' she mentally scolded. He was not hers. He hadn't been for a long time. She needed to keep that in mind. She needed to keep in mind that he didn't love her anymore and that he has moved on. All she was going to do was go snap him out of whatever he was in and then go home. That was it, nothing else.  
  
"Buffy, we're here."  
  
"Nothing else." She whispered.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy had never been to the new office. She had hardly even been to the old one. She remembered Angel telling her that he liked the new office better. That it was more spacious and had lots of rooms for people to stay in if they needed too. "Its better there." He had said. Why hadn't she asked if he was happier there or if he was happy at all for that matter?  
  
There wasn't much time to dwell on that though because before she knew it, Cordelia had flung herself into Buffy and Willows arms. "Oh you're here!" she cried, "I'm so worried about him." She said while unlatching herself from their arms. Buffy could tell she had been crying. Her face was all blotchy and she had no makeup on. This was so unlike the former May Queen.  
  
"Where is he?" Buffy asked, cutting right to the chase.  
  
"Either at the bar or training in his room." Cordelia said bitterly  
  
"It is the later Cordelia. Buffy, Willow." Wesley smiled as he came down the stairs.  
  
"Wesley what happened?" Cordelia yelled  
  
"I got hit with a vase." Wesley sighed at all the blank stares he was getting. "I told him that Buffy and Willow were on their way here, actually, I said that Buffy was. and then got hit by an on coming vase."  
  
"Boy, for someone who couldn't stop talking about you when he first moved here, he sure hates your name doesn't he?" Cordelia turned to Buffy "Why don't you go up there and see if you can fair any better."  
  
Buffy shook her head and sighed "I don't know why I'm doing this. Angel is a big boy, he should be able to handle this by himself."  
  
"Yes, he should, but he's not." Stated Wesley.  
  
"It doesn't matter. I'm just going to go up there, slap some sense into him and then go back home."  
  
"That won't work, believe me, I've tried. Literally."  
  
"Well he's just going to have to deal with this. I died, yes. Now I'm back and that's all there is to it." With that she stomped upstairs.  
  
"Isn't she fun." Cordelia quipped.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy reached the top of the stairs and started walking to the door at the end of the hall. She could feel him so clearly now. Being in LA, in his apartment, it was confusing. She knew she had to be brave though. She just had to go in there, deal with it and leave.  
  
She reached his door and slowly opened it without knocking. His scent immediately washed over her. The smell of Ivory soap and night. Furious punching sounds and grunts met her ears. She slowly walked in and there he was. His back was turned to her and his hands were flying at a punching bag with such force that his knuckles were starting to bleed.  
  
"Oh God." She whispered. He had his shirt off. This is going to make it so much harder. Why does he always have to be half-naked when I need to talk to him?  
  
Buffy was all of a foot in his room and couldn't go any further. She just sat there watching his mussels ripple under his skin as he punched. Watching the blood slowly trickle out of the cracks he was making in his hands. She took a deep breath. She was going to do this. She had to do this.  
  
"Angel?"  
  
Almost immediately Angel's head shot up and his whole body stiffened. Buffy could tell that he was taking a couple of unneeded breaths. Then he resumed punching.  
  
"Angel" she said again. This time he didn't stop but proceeded to punch the bag even harder and faster then he was before.  
  
"Angel, it's me. Buffy." She said stepping closer to him with every word. He must have felt it though because when she was in touching distance he abruptly stopped and went over to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Buffy heard the lock click immediately after.  
  
"Oh no you don't." She stomped over to the door and started knocking on it rapidly. The room was then filled with the sound of water running. "Fine, I'll wait." She said determinedly sitting down on the edge of his bed.  
  
After a couple minutes steam started wafting out from under the door. Buffy sighed. If only she could get him to look at her, to look into her eyes, she knew he would have to believe that it was her.  
  
Forty minutes later, Angel appeared from the bathroom in just a pair of silk boxers. He was rubbing a towel over his head roughly. It was then that Buffy got the first good look of him.  
  
To say he looked like he had just been to hell would have been an understatement. She knew how he looked when he returned from hell, and it was not this bad. He looked like a walking skeleton. Buffy stared in horror at being able to see all of his ribs quite easily. But his beautiful face is what made her gasp. His eyes were bloodshot and had deep black circle under them, and he was paler then usual, if that was even possible.  
  
"Oh Angel." She whispered. He went to his closet and put on his shirt, pants and shoes and started heading to the door. "No Angel, look at me." She said softly. He kept walking. Buffy jumped in front of the door. "Angel, dame it! Look at me!" Angel sighed and rubbed his eyes and slowly went to his side door and walked out.  
  
Buffy ran after him but didn't catch up to him until he was in the lobby. Willow immediately gasped at seeing him for the first time. Angel didn't even acknowledge her presence.  
  
"I'm going out." He said, and before anyone could protest he was at the sewer access and gone.  
  
"Maybe this is going to be harder then I though."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Why the hell didn't you call me before!"  
  
"You just came back from the dead. I didn't think you could really handle a suicidal vampire right then!" Cordelia yelled  
  
"He's suicidal?"  
  
"Well, what do you call not eating or sleeping? A nice run in the park?" Cordelia shot back  
  
"Same old Cordelia." Willow muttered  
  
"I don't care what I was going through, you should have called me! This has gone way too far! He could have unleashed Angelus again and let me tell you right now. You both would be dead. I could barely beat him, what makes you think that you would have been so much better."  
  
"Ok, I think we all need to calm down here." Wesley said. "We have a more important matter at hand right now. Like the fact that we have a vampire about to go off the deep end on our hands."  
  
"I believe that is what we were talking about in the first place." Cordelia glared  
  
"No you were arguing."  
  
"Well, it was getting us farther then we have."  
  
"HEY!" Everyone stood still to look at the red head. "Everyone calm down. Arguing isn't going to do anything. Now, Wesley, where would Angel go right about now?"  
  
Wesley took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Buffy smiled in amusement realizing that Giles did the exact same thing when he was frustrated or thinking. "He'll be at some sort of bar or in the sewers looking for something to kill."  
  
"Do you know what bar?"  
  
"There's a dive right off of the Santa Monica pier. That's the only one I've seen him go to."  
  
"Ok," Buffy said "I'll go there and if he's not there I'll hit the sewers. Will, call me on the cell if he comes back. And you guys" she turned to Wesley and Cordelia "I want you to research and find a way that we can keep in here. I don't need him running off every time I try to talk to him." Buffy turned to leave.  
  
"Buffy," Cordelia ran after her. "Be careful with him, okay?"  
  
"Maybe you have changed from what you were in high school." Buffy said  
  
"Hey, don't go all sentimental on me. I still think of those years as my temporary insanity. I mean dating Xander Harris and hanging out with you and the Scoobies? Puh-lease! What was I thinking?" She then turned around with a smirk and went inside.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy slowly walked into the smoky bar. Everywhere she looked a demon sat. This was definitely a place where she was not welcome. 'Ok Buffy, just keep cool and nothing will happen. Your not wearing a neon flashing 'I'm a Slayer' sign so you should be fine.' She thought to herself.  
  
Walking up to the bartender she must have passed several vampires. Her senses were on overdrive. Her body just itching for a fight.  
  
"What will it be?" asked the bartender  
  
"Umm, a coke." The man disappeared to under the counter fixing her drink. Buffy slowly scanned the room, but saw no sign of Angel anywhere. She sighed, hopping against hope that he didn't go to another bar. She needed to get this over with now. Being here was just too hard. Seeing Angel brought up way to many memeries that she really didn't want to think of right now.  
  
"Here ya are." Said the barman.  
  
"What is this?" Buffy asked in disgust. Sure maybe from far away it looked like a coke, but up close was a different story. It looked syrupy and she could almost swear something was swimming around in it.  
  
"A coke." The barman said and then walked away to serve another customer. Then she felt it. The tingling sensation she got whenever he was near. She slowly turned to her right to see Angel sitting down talking to the bartender.  
  
"Angel, good to see ya man. Ya want the usual?" Angel nodded "So any news about the underworld lately. Haven't been out much. Business really been hopin'" The man said while pouring something foul smelling from a bottle. It looked like gin to her.  
  
"Not much." Angel answered "Killed a couple Slith demons last night. That's about it."  
  
"Slith? Aren't they usually peaceful?"  
  
"Yeah, but they got in my way." He said without feeling  
  
"Hate to be on the receiving end of that." The barman said setting down the drink for him. "So, do I need to start a tab for you?" Angel sighed. "I'll take that as a yes." The barman said walking away.  
  
Buffy didn't know what to do. She definitely didn't want to scare him away. But that meant no talking or eye contact. That wasn't going to get her anywhere. She looked over at Angel again. She couldn't seem to take her eyes off of him. He was just as gorgeous as the first time she met him. Although, then, she wouldn't have admitted it. She would go around telling people that he was annoying. Slowly Buffy slipped into her memories. ** "Is there a problem ma'am?"  
  
"Yeah, there's a problem. Why are you following me?"  
  
"I know what you're thinking but don't worry. I don't bite. Truth is, I thought you'd be taller, mussels and all that. You're pretty spry though."  
  
"What do want?"  
  
"The same thing you do."  
  
"Okay, what do I want?"  
  
"To kill em, to kill em all."  
  
"I'm sorry that's incorrect. But you do win this watch a years supply of turtle wax. What I want is to be left alone!"  
  
"Do you really think that's an option anymore, your standing at the mouth of hell and it's about to open. Don't turn your back on this. You have to be ready." He tossed her a small black box.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"The Harvest."  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Let's just say, I'm a friend."  
  
"Yeah, well maybe I don't want a friend!"  
  
"I didn't say I was yours." And he disappeared into the night. ** God how she wished she could go back to those days. They were so easy then. They were filled with the things she loved. Little half smiles, soft kisses at night, sneaking into her room just to watch her sleep. Things were so good then. Then they had to screw it up by sleeping together. Things were never the same after that. It wasn't fair. Although, if she really thought about it, she wouldn't trade that night for anything.  
  
She heard Angel stir next to her. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him run his hands through his already messy hair. "Hey Sid! Just give me the bottle."  
  
"Long night of brooding ahead?" Sid the bartender said, handing him the bottle of alcohol. Angel took a long swig from it. "I'm guessing that's yes."  
  
'That's a hell yes' Buffy thought.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Three hours later she followed Angel out of the bar. She was amazed at how long he could brood, but even more amazed at how he could drink that whole bottle and not be passing out in the back alley. He didn't even look a little drunk. He just walked on like his usual stealthy self.  
  
It was sunset. According to Wesley, this was when he slayed and then picked up some piece of trash that. 'Be nice Buffy' she thought to herself angrily. Sure enough that's what he seemed to be doing.  
  
He walked around L.A for an hour or two, brooding still it looked like. When he hadn't slayed anything yet, he headed for an L.A nightclub and went in.  
  
Buffy stood outside staring at the door. She didn't know what to do. Should she go in and face him, or go home? Or she could go in and spy on him. That seemed like the more appealing option. Not to mention the safer one. Yes, it was wrong, but who cares, what he was doing was wrong too.  
  
She entered the club with confidence. It was dimly lit, with the music immediately taking over the rhythm of her body. She scanned the crowd of moving bodies for Angel. He was standing over by the bar talking to some girl in a red halter that showed her mid drift and a short black leather skirt. Knee high boots completed this ensemble. "Can you say whore?"  
  
Buffy strolled out to the dance floor and let the music wash over her, all the while keeping an eye on Angel. The music was overpowering, before she knew it Angel was headed toward the door with the red halter hanging all over him. Buffy quickly dashed outside to see the two of them walking to the hotel.  
  
When they arrived at Angel's home, the two of them were all over each other. The hotel was dark except for a small light in an office. The door was shut, and the gang was probably inside there waiting for Buffy to come back. Angel and the girl continued upstairs starting to divest of each other's clothes. This was one place Buffy wouldn't follow. Although she'd be surprised if they did make it upstairs the way they were acting. They were finally out of sight when Buffy heard the door slam shut upstairs.  
  
All she could do was stand there.  
  
"Buffy?" Willows voice broke her out of her silent reverie. "Hey, we thought we heard noises out here."  
  
Buffy turned to her friend grimly "Well, I can guarantee you it wasn't me." Cordelia then groaned from the doorway realizing what Buffy had just seen.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy sat up in the lobby later that night. She couldn't sleep. She had to figure out what to do. She couldn't believe it. He was killing himself slowly, affecting all the people around him, and he didn't even care. If only she could understand why he was acting this way.  
  
Being upset about her dying, that was reasonable. After all, didn't she run away when he first died. 'That was different.' She told herself. 'I sent the only man I loved to Hell, and he didn't even know why' When she died they had been separated for almost two years. He shouldn't be taking it this hard.  
  
One thing was for certain. She had to do something and fast. But what? What could she possible do to make him realize that she wasn't dead? That she was in fact, sitting in his hotel lobby right now. Buffy looked out the window to the hazy purple sky. She had been sitting there all night and still hadn't thought of a solution for this mess.  
  
Suddenly she heard someone coming down the stairs. Turning, she saw a pair of knee high boots sauntering down the steps. The girls' hair was mussed.  
  
"Rough night?" Buffy asked casually  
  
"'Scuse me?" replied the girl  
  
"I was just wondering if your night went okay?"  
  
"I don't think that's really any of your business."  
  
"No you see," Buffy stood up "it is my business. You want to know why? Because I'm a vampire slayer and I really can't have nice little girls like you sleeping with the likes of him."  
  
"For your information, I'm not a nice girl and. the likes of him?"  
  
"Yup. Oh wait! He didn't tell you?" she said faking surprise.  
  
"Tell me what."  
  
"Well, hate to break it to ya honey. But you just screwed a demon. Oh don't look so shocked. I made the same mistake too."  
  
"A d-demon?"  
  
"That's right. A vampire, fangs and all."  
  
"I- I have to go. I'm late for. for something."  
  
Buffy gave the girl her best sympathetic look. "I'm sure you are." She said with mock concern "Run along now, you wouldn't want him to come down stairs looking for you. I don't think he'd like us talking." With that the girl ran out the door. Buffy smiled for the first time since she'd been here. "That was fun!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
She arrived at his door moments later. No caring what he was doing, she barged in. She expected to see him training, or maybe even drinking again. But instead, he was sitting in a chair reading. She was momentarily shocked. She certainly didn't expect to see this after today.  
  
"Angel." She said. There was no answer. "Look, I know you can hear me, so I'm going to talk." She started to pace the room. "Well, I guess for starters, I could state the obvious. I'm back!" There was no reaction. "So you can stop acting like I'm dead and go back to saving the world or whatever it is you do here." She muttered.  
  
Buffy started to get angry. He was still just sitting there like she wasn't even in the room. "I know you can hear me so don't pretend that you're not listening." Still nothing. "Angel, you have to stop this. You're scaring Cordelia and Wesley and frankly, your scaring me. I've never seen you act like this. Sleeping around, drinking, that's not like you Angel." She sighed "Dame it Angel, put the book down and look at me!" Nothing again. He just sat there, his face unreadable.  
  
"Fine." She marched over to him and pulled the book out of his hand and threw it across the room. Angel sat there for a second unfazed then got up and went to a cabinet. Pulling himself out a glass he poured himself a drink.  
  
"Well, at least I know you can hear me now. What is it Angel, are you trying to drown out my voice? Do you think that if you drink enough you might be able to forget me?" Angel slammed the glass down on the counter. He stood there, his back turned from her. Slowly, she started moving toward him. Her hand made contact with his bare shoulder and Angel visibly shivered. "You know I'm here. You can see me, hear me, feel me, why won't you admit that I'm alive?" she whispered  
  
"Go away." Buffy could barley hear it but there it was. He was acknowledging that she was there, and pleading for her to go.  
  
"Angel, look at me."  
  
"Go away." He said more firmly this time  
  
"No. I'm not going anywhere until you get off of this psychotic vampire episode." Abruptly he turned away from, stepping out of her reach. He quickly ran his hands through his hair. 'Something he seems to do a lot lately' Buffy thought.  
  
Angel turned and looked her straight in the eye. "You're not real. You're dead."  
  
"If I'm dead, then why are you talking to me?"  
  
Angel's lips tuned up into a mock smile. Slowly he went over to his bed and laid down. "Oh, are you finally going to sleep?" Angel laid there his eyes open, not listening or not caring. The mock smile stilled played on his face.  
  
"Please tell me you're not going to go back to ignoring me again? Angel. Angel! God, what is wrong with you? Talk to me! God, get mad, throw something, anything!" Angel still laid there, not moving, not talking, just staring. "Dame it Angel! God, I died! Get over it! I'm back now. Move on with your life." With that Buffy left his room.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I've had it! I can't do this anymore. He's not going to snap out of it anytime soon." Buffy said packing her bag furiously.  
  
"Buffy," Willow said softly "it can't be that bad. You've only been here for a day."  
  
"Yes, and I've stood in front of him, yelled at him, touched him and he still doesn't believe that I'm here! Well, I'm not dealing with this anymore. Cordelia and Wesley are just going to have to try and figure out another way to deal with him."  
  
"Buffy you were there last hope. What do you want me to tell them?"  
  
"Tell them to go in there and put him out of his misery." Buffy growled  
  
"Oh Buffy." She continued packing. "Buffy stop please. Try this for a little longer. You can't give up on him this easily. He wouldn't if you were him." She whispered the last statement.  
  
Buffy froze, her eyes shut in grief. "I'll stay. But if he doesn't get better soon."  
  
"I can help."  
  
"How?"  
  
"We found a spell today. We can bind him to his room. You know, make it so he can't go out, he'll have to listen to you then. He'll have nowhere to run."  
  
Buffy shot up to her feet. "Do you think you could do it?"  
  
"I'll start preparing for it." Willow smiled.  
  
"Thanks Will."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Do you really think this is a good idea? He's already in some what of a mental state, confining him to his room isn't going to help." Wesley said.  
  
"It may be the only way Wes." Buffy answered. Him, Cordelia and her were all standing by the staircase watching Willow chant. She was surrounded by candles and a spell book laid in front of her.  
  
Willow stood up. "It's done. He shouldn't be able to leave his room."  
  
"Thanks Will." Buffy took a deep breath. "Here goes nothin'" and she headed up the stairs.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
He was still in the same place that she left him. The only thing different was that his smile had faded into nothing. His face held no expression to it. If she didn't know better, she would think that he was dead. He lay there still, not breathing, not blinking, just starring at the ceiling.  
  
She couldn't believe how bad he looked. The circles under his eyes had gotten darker from when she had arrived, he just seemed to be fading away before her eyes.  
  
Walking over to his bed she sat down. He didn't move. Slowly her hand reached up and touched the side of his face. He still didn't move. "Angel." Nothing. She was starting to panic. When she touched him before, he would always flinch away, or give some kind of sign that she was there. Now he just laid there, like she really was just a ghost to him.  
  
Slightly, she added pressure to his cheek and slowly started caressing it. Buffy sighed with relief when he closed his eyes and swallowed hard. At least now she knew that he wasn't dead. well, as dead as vampires could get without turning into dust.  
  
"Angel, please talk to me." She whispered  
  
A tear slipped down his cheek. "Leave me alone." He cried.  
  
"No, I'm not going to leave you alone. Sweetie just talk to me, I can't stand seeing you like this."  
  
"You're not real, you're just a mirage."  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"You say that every time. Every night you come here and tell me that you're real and then when I believe you, you disappear. I'm not going to fall for it again."  
  
"But I am real. Angel, I don't know what you saw, but whatever that is, I'm not her." She reached for his hand, trying to prove that she was here.  
  
He suddenly shot up and away from her. "Angel, you can't run forever." He started towards the door. When he went to open it, he found he couldn't. Frantically he tugged at the door, but it wouldn't budge. Getting desperate, he starting banging on the door, trying to break it, but was failing. It was no use, the door held firm.  
  
All the while, Buffy was proceeding towards him. When she finally reached him, she put her hands on his shoulders. The contact of his bare skin against hers made them both gasp.  
  
Angel whipped around and tore her hands away from him. Buffy tried again to touch him but his hand whipped out and caught her in the stomach. The force of the blow sent Buffy stumbling backwards for a moment.  
  
Recovering, she looked at him, "Do you want to fight? Is that it?" he didn't say anything. "Angel, it's me. I'm not dead sweetie." She said, slipping back into the way she talked when they were dating. Hesitantly, Buffy reached out to touch him again. His body was shacking with want and fear. Buffy nearly cried at how helpless and scared he looked, and she was the one causing this pain.  
  
Every step she took to get near, Angel backed away. Finally Angel's back hit the hard door, and he had nowhere else to go. He wouldn't look at her but she could tell that he was crying.  
  
Her hand once again touched his face. "Just leave me alone. Please.please." he begged  
  
"Shh." she soothed, caressing the side of his cheek. He then slid down the wall and Buffy took his head into her lap. Slowly she rubbed the back of his neck in soothing circles. "It's okay. I'm real Angel, I promise you that I'm real. I'm not going anywhere. Shh. sweetie, don't cry. Don't cry."  
  
Angel clung to her. He was afraid that she'd slip away if he let her go. So there he lay in her arms sobbing, while she calmed him down.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
As his sobs resided, Buffy started running her fingers through his hair. She made sure to keep contact with him as a reminder that she was there. "You okay?" she asked tentatively.  
  
Angel rolled over onto his back, his head still placed in her lap and an arm firmly around her still. Looking up at her with his hollow eyes, he slowly shook his head no.  
  
Buffy sighed. "Do you believe that it's me? That I'm not dead?" Tears began to fill his eyes once more and Buffy sat patiently, whipping away any that fell. "Why don't we get you in bed. You're exhausted." She got to her feet and helped him up and into bed.  
  
She looked at him for a minute. "I'll be downstairs if you need me." And she turned to go.  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
She froze. He had said her name. She turned around to look at him. He was propped up by his elbows looking at her. "Stay?"  
  
She smiled softly. "Of course I'll stay." Lying down beside him, Angel finally fell asleep.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy woke up to the sound of Cordelias voice. "Oh my God, she did it." She was sitting with her back against the backboard and Angel lying peacefully in her arms. Turning her head sideways she saw Willow, Cordelia and Wesley all staring at the scene before them.  
  
"He's okay?" Willow asked  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I'm not sure. Last night. he just broke. I don't know if he believes that I'm real or if he just finally gave into me."  
  
"Well, he's lying in your arms, that's a good sign." Willow said  
  
"Did he want to you to be here or." Cordelia bit her lip  
  
"He asked me to stay with him." Buffy rubbed her eyes "Could one of you go get me some blood. He's starved."  
  
"I'll get you some but I doubt if he'll want to eat it." Wesley said exiting the room.  
  
"I don't care if he wants it or not." Buffy said, running her hands through his hair again.  
  
"You okay?" Willow asked  
  
"He's just so broken, so weak, and it's all because of me."  
  
"Buffy!" Cordelia cried, "You died to save your sister, to save the world!"  
  
"Shh. Cordelia you'll wake him up."  
  
"I'm sorry. It's just, you died for a good cause. Yes, in the process you did make him go a bit loopy. But still, don't feel bad for what you did. I'm sure down in some subconscious level, Angel knows why you died. He just can't see it yet."  
  
"Thanks Cordelia."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The first thing Angel was aware of when he woke was warmth. He hadn't felt that for so long that he thought that he had to be dreaming. But the body that was against him felt so real. He opened his eyes expecting the warmth to vanish but it didn't. Instead he saw her.  
  
"Hi." She said, stroking his face. He closed his eyes and leaned his cheek upon her palm. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"A little better." He mumbled.  
  
"You need to eat." Angel frowned. "Don't give me that look Angel. You've barely eaten since I. you need to eat. I'm not going to let you survive on rum and scotch." She helped him up slowly and then went to his fridge to get a pack of blood.  
  
She handed him the cup. He took it, but wasn't able to look at it. His stomach felt like it was doing summersaults from the smell of it.  
  
"Angel, you have to eat. You're sick sweetie. This is the only way to get better." She sat down behind him and once again rubbed slow circles on his back. Gingerly, he put the cup to his lips and sipped the liquid.  
  
After about three sips he started coughing. "Okay, okay." Buffy said soothingly, taking away the mug. "You don't have to drink anymore. We'll ease back into this." Angel leaned back onto his bed and took her hand.  
  
"Do you want to talk?" she asked, she wasn't about to push him.  
  
"How?" he asked  
  
"Willow. She brought me back. She thought that I was in a Hell dimension like you and so she resurrected me."  
  
"Were you in hell?"  
  
"No." she said, looking down at her hands.  
  
"I didn't think so." She looked at him. "Are you okay?"  
  
Buffy was silent. She wanted to scream that she wasn't okay that she was never going to be ok but he couldn't deal with this right now. "I'm fine." She stated lamely.  
  
"Buffy."  
  
She took a deep breath, willing the tears to go away. She had no such luck though. Without warning they spilled over and ran down her cheeks. "God Angel it hurts so much! I was happy, I was happy for the first time in. I don't know how long. I knew that everyone I loved was ok and not hurt. I was at peace. Then all of a sudden I wake up in a coffin and have to claw my way to the surface." Angel was horror-stricken. He knew what that was like, it was something that no body should have to go through, especially Buffy. He couldn't believe that Buffy had to go through such horror. He slowly took her into his arms and smoothed her hair away from her face.  
  
"It was so nice there. Everyone was happy, there was nothing to kill, I saw my mom even. And they ripped me out of it and put me into a place that's harsh and cruel! I don't know if I can be here anymore. It's so hard Angel."  
  
"Shh. Buffy, don't give up." He looked her in the eye. "Don't ever give up. I know it might be hard right now but you have your friends and family to help you with this. Don't ever give up baby. Please." She looked at him for a second and then snuggled down into his arms.  
  
They were silent like that for awhile. Both quietly grieving for each other, and taking comfort in the others arms.  
  
"Does this mean you believe that I'm back?"  
  
He slowly nodded. "I'm sorry." He whispered his words. "I'm sorry that I put you and Cordelia and Wesley through this. It's just. I didn't understand. How could God take you away like that?" tears began to come again.  
  
"Oh Angel. I had to leave. I had to."  
  
". Save your sister and the world. Again. It's not fair though. Why do you have to do this? Why can't some one else take over the job?"  
  
"Because there is no one else."  
  
"When are you leaving?" He asked softly  
  
Buffy was taken aback. "I. now I guess. I mean, I came here to do what I needed too. There's no reason for me to stay anymore."  
  
"Oh." He said quietly  
  
"I mean, it's not like you love me anymore." She stated  
  
"What?" Angel's head shot up and looked into her tearful eyes. She thought he didn't love her? Was she not here the past two days? "How could you think that?"  
  
"Well. I mean, you were sleeping with all those other girls and."  
  
"Buffy! I slept with those girls because I didn't want to go on. I thought that I could lose my soul and then I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. I just didn't see a point in living anymore if you weren't in the world too."  
  
Buffy looked at him. All along she thought that he didn't love her? And she, well she had been convincing herself that she didn't love him.  
  
"I know that you probably don't feel the same way but."  
  
"Of course I feel the same way. Angel, why do you think I came here?"  
  
Angel looked down at his hands and lowered his voice. "I heard Cordelia talking a couple days ago about how you didn't want to be here. How you've moved on and that you shouldn't have to come back to me just because I haven't."  
  
"Oh Angel," she said guiltily. "I only said those things because I thought you didn't love me anymore and I was trying to convince myself that I've moved on like you."  
  
His eyes rose up to meet her gaze "I'll always love you Buffy. Even when you die. I mean, what I just went through should prove that somehow."  
  
"Promise me something." She said, holding his face between her hands. "No matter what happens, you'll never do this to yourself again? You'll realize that there is always something worth living for?"  
  
Angel took her into his arms, "Only if you promise never to leave me like that again." He whispered into her hair.  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Yes you can."  
  
She pulled back from him and sighed. "I promise." Angel looked at her for a second, then without warning pulled her to him. Their lips met in a soft kiss, but it soon grew more passionate. Kissing until Buffy had to pull away to breath, both warriors smiled at one another.  
  
"You're still my girl?" he breathed  
  
"Always."  
  
The End 


End file.
